Why is Ron Paul always around these UFO sightings?

Our 93,000+ combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here for that) know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that evening’s late-night jokes before they are broadcast. Most Mondays we collect them here. But this time it’s Tuesday. Live with it.

From Twitter: If Mayans were good at predicting the future, there’d be Mayans. via @jonlovett

Twitter: Newt Gingrich insists that he’ll be in Florida for the primary too. Callista has booked a Caribbean cruise that sails from Miami. @EdCarson1

Fallon: Obama met with the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their championship. Joe Biden met with the Harlem Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode they did on ‘Scooby-Doo.’

Fallon: The national debt is now the size of the entire U.S. economy. I don’t want to say Obama is out of ideas, but today he called Tim Tebow.

Conan: During one of the GOP debates, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone, during the same debate Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.

Fallon: A California man has started a website to stop people from overusing the word ‘awesome.’ Wow, that sounds pretty tubular!

Fallon: A new study says America’s obesity rate actually went down last year. The study was done by a researcher who hasn’t been to a mall in a year.

Fallon: Wal-mart is offering free tax advice at 3,000 stores. Answering the important question, Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter and a shotgun in one stop.

Fallon: Rick Perry’s campaign is in trouble so it’s selling his merchandise now two-for-one. You get a foam finger, a key chain and I forget the third thing.

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Leno: Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he’s got to find another mistress.

Conan: Apple is sending 250 undercover workers to spy on the competition at the Consumer Electronics Show. So be on the lookout for nerds dressed up like other nerds.

Conan: Beyonce’s husband Jay-Z has released a song about their new daughter, Blue Ivy. The song is called, “Don’t Blame Me, Your Mother Named You.”

Letterman: So, you heard about that 99-year-old man and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced after 77 years? I just hope they have the decency to return the wedding gifts.

Letterman: But listen to this, According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. While people who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

Conan: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.

Fallon: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, ‘Could I interest you in a Biden?’

Leno: On his days off Tim Tebow takes religion into prisons to Death Row inmates. That explains how he knows more Raiders fans than Broncos fans.

Fallon: Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support to win elections. Romney says, I’ll  never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.

Fallon: North Korea is releasing political prisoners for the late Kim Jong-Il’s 70th birthday. That’s kind of annoying because I was gonna do that for MY birthday.

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Fallon: A new study finds that seniors can improve their brain function through playing video games. But when they play Mario Kart, they leave the left blinker on the entire time.

Fallon: The Irish brewer Guinness is building new brewery to produce more than one billion pints a year. One billion pints — or as Irish people call that, ‘pre-gaming.’

Leno: The Patriots were worried about Tim Tebow fans at Saturday night’s playoff game with the Broncos. So they halted sales of sacramental wine after the third quarter.

Letterman: Don’t you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?

Gingrich promises not to cheat on future wives

Joe Biden recognizes the girl with the dragon tattoo

Can donuts accomplish what Mideast peace talks haven’t?

View more information: https://www.investors.com/politics/columnists/latenight-jokes-tim-tebow-ron-paul-newt-gngrich-beyonce-angelina-jolie/

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