Why is Ron Paul always around these UFO sightings?

Our 93,000+ combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here for that) know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that evening’s late-night jokes before they are broadcast. Most Mondays we collect them here. But this time it’s Tuesday. Live with it.

From Twitter: If Mayans were good at predicting the future, there’d be Mayans. via @jonlovett

Twitter: Newt Gingrich insists that he’ll be in Florida for the primary too. Callista has booked a Caribbean cruise that sails from Miami. @EdCarson1

Fallon: Obama met with the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their championship. Joe Biden met with the Harlem Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode they did on ‘Scooby-Doo.’

Fallon: The national debt is now the size of the entire U.S. economy. I don’t want to say Obama is out of ideas, but today he called Tim Tebow.

Conan: During one of the GOP debates, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone, during the same debate Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.

Fallon: A California man has started a website to stop people from overusing the word ‘awesome.’ Wow, that sounds pretty tubular!

Fallon: A new study says America’s obesity rate actually went down last year. The study was done by a researcher who hasn’t been to a mall in a year.

Fallon: Wal-mart is offering free tax advice at 3,000 stores. Answering the important question, Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter and a shotgun in one stop.

Fallon: Rick Perry’s campaign is in trouble so it’s selling his merchandise now two-for-one. You get a foam finger, a key chain and I forget the third thing.

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Leno: Word that John Edwards is marrying his mistress Rielle Hunter. You know what that means: Now, he’s got to find another mistress.

Conan: Apple is sending 250 undercover workers to spy on the competition at the Consumer Electronics Show. So be on the lookout for nerds dressed up like other nerds.

Conan: Beyonce’s husband Jay-Z has released a song about their new daughter, Blue Ivy. The song is called, “Don’t Blame Me, Your Mother Named You.”

Letterman: So, you heard about that 99-year-old man and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced after 77 years? I just hope they have the decency to return the wedding gifts.

Letterman: But listen to this, According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. While people who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

Conan: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.

Fallon: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt talked adoption with Obama at the White House. Obama said, ‘Could I interest you in a Biden?’

Leno: On his days off Tim Tebow takes religion into prisons to Death Row inmates. That explains how he knows more Raiders fans than Broncos fans.

Fallon: Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support to win elections. Romney says, I’ll  never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.

Fallon: North Korea is releasing political prisoners for the late Kim Jong-Il’s 70th birthday. That’s kind of annoying because I was gonna do that for MY birthday.

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Fallon: A new study finds that seniors can improve their brain function through playing video games. But when they play Mario Kart, they leave the left blinker on the entire time.

Fallon: The Irish brewer Guinness is building new brewery to produce more than one billion pints a year. One billion pints — or as Irish people call that, ‘pre-gaming.’

Leno: The Patriots were worried about Tim Tebow fans at Saturday night’s playoff game with the Broncos. So they halted sales of sacramental wine after the third quarter.

Letterman: Don’t you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?

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View more information: https://www.investors.com/politics/columnists/latenight-jokes-tim-tebow-ron-paul-newt-gngrich-beyonce-angelina-jolie/

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